Grief

SURPRISE! I’m back dear readers. No, I didn’t spend time away on a yacht in the Mediterranean a la Below Deck (Any other Bravo fans?). A coworker and fellow social worker died and I got food poisoning (two separate weeks, don’t worry). When one of us dies, we all mourn.

Grief is defined as a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement (merriam-webster.com). It comes along with complex layers of emotional, physical, and cognitive changes. Feelings of shock, guilt, and sadness, coupled with sleep disturbance, physical pains, and difficulty concentrating (helpguide.org). Even if you have not been through any formal psychology or social work program, you have for sure heard of the Kubler-Ross Model or the Stages of Grief (grief.com). Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This idea that we somehow cycle through these stages and then magically get over this person we lost. Even some of our favorite media has used this model. From shows like Monk, New Girl, Family Guy, and 13 Reasons Why, we see this model reflected consistently in a variety of ways. But rarely does it accurately depict that this model is not structured or a universal pattern. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her protégé, David Kessler, both emphasized in their work, that these stages are not liner and grief is an individual process. The focus of grief should be on the experience, not simply getting through the stages. In fact, we will often move between stages, revisit them, experience several at once, or even skip them (grief.com).

A couple years ago, I had a pretty traumatic health scare. This particular passing brought up a lot of those feelings for me. I have spent a number of sessions with my therapist trying to understand why the death of a coworker (who yes was my age) hit me so hard. It was this week that I finally let myself acknowledge what was too painful. She died from what I was so afraid of. Why was I given a chance when she was not? She had so much going for her. A new job. A new fiancé. A family who adored her. A close circle of friends. I am still waiting for those answers but my therapist and I are working on it.

Olivia was the definition of a social worker. She was passionate, fierce, empathetic, intelligent, and driven. She was constantly asking why and finding new ways to navigate our messy system. She made me want to be a better social worker and a better person. I am grateful to have known her.